The Haunted Mobility Scooter

Monday, 31 October 2016

by Ashley R Lister

Because today is Halloween, I figured it would be appropriate to share a poem that dallies with themes of the supernatural.  

This is a story that goes beyond horror
A diabolical evil that could threaten your future
This is a tale of demonic possession
The demonic possession of a mobility scooter

It began with a fat lass, from Yorkshire, called Harriet
She pottered ‘round Lidl on a souped-up flab chariot
She blocked all the aisles near the imported Kit-e-Kat
And the regulars all knew her as "The aisle-blocking fatty twat."

But Harriet objected to the whines and the moans,
She said, “This chuffing machine’s got a mind of its own.
It fills up my basket with things I don’t want
Like Tena pads and Vagisil and fat-free croissants.”

But no one believed her through the whole of South Yorkshire
They thought she was just being a mental old porker
So when Harriet died and her body had been blessed
No one guessed her lard scooter was demonically possessed

And the scooter got bequeathed to Harriet’s fat friend Duggie
And he’d always wanted his own oinktard buggy
But on his first outing he mowed down poor Ethel
It was like Grand Theft Auto – Flabby Pensioner’s Special

Because Ethel lost her legs, Duggie gave her the scooter
It was the least he could do, according to the prosecutor
But Ethel knew full well there was something wrong with the thing
It kept taking her to bingo on the nights she didn’t win

It wouldn’t take her to church, it would stall Sunday dawn
But the thing had no problems chasing cats across the lawn
It wouldn’t let her stop in shelters when she wanted a fag
And she blamed it for the holes in her colostomy bag

And the scooter claimed her life and stopped her adventures
When legless fat Ethel choked on her own dentures
And the haunted mobility scooter was given to her brother
And he used the thing to plough down his wife's mother

And then it got passed, with unseemly indecency
To a forty stone bloke with morbid obesity
He'd been on the verge of a dieting success
But the demonic scooter broke down outside Greggs

And it stopped at McDonalds and beside KFC
And his arse grew much wider than hyperbole
And he started to smell like a sweaty dog fart
And he died of a coronary caused by his lard cart

And so it went on like a merciless Mercedes
Causing fat victims to die in their eighties
It’s a haunted mobility scooter and it looks just like new.
It’s out there. It’s evil. And it’s waiting for you.

Read more...

Last Call for Cheeky Poetry - Coming Together in Verse 2016

Monday, 10 October 2016

As I said at the start of September, I've received some incredible pieces of poetry.  I'm really looking forward to getting this anthology compiled because it's going to contain some incredible work from some incredible artists.

If you've not had a chance to submit yet, please see the call for submissions below.  If you have submitted and you're still waiting for my response, please be patient - I'm getting there.


CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS

Coming Together in Verse 2016  will be a collection of erotic poetry and risqué verse edited by Ashley R Lister. Sales proceeds benefit Hope for Paws.

Erica Jong said, “Poetry is what we turn to in the most emotional moments of our lives – when a beloved friend dies, when a baby is born, when we fall in love.” Wallace Stevens said, “A poet looks at the world the way a man looks at a woman.” Edgar Allan Poe said, “Poetry is the rhythmical creation of beauty in words.” Most of us agree, when it comes to expressing passion, there is nothing more effective than poetry.

Whether it’s blank or free verse, or a rigid rhyming metrical form, well-written poetry can touch us in places deeper and more personally than any fiction. There's nothing sexier than a poem that speaks to us on such an intimate level.

Author, lecturer and occasional performance poet, Ashley R Lister, is looking for your best pieces of original poetry, erotic verse, risqué rhymes, cheeky cinquains or saucy sonnets. The collection will contain a broad range of quality erotic poetry submissions, from the rude, ribald and vulgar through to the suggestive, sensuous and sensitive.

Standard Rules apply: No underage, no non-consensual, no scat, incest, or necrophilia. Any pairings or groupings accepted and encouraged.

Deadline for submissions is October 21, 2016.

Send poems double-spaced, 12 point font (Times New Roman or Georgia) in .doc or .rtf format to me@ashleylister.co.uk, with “ATTN: Coming Together, your pen-name, your story title” in the subject line. British English grammar please (where grammar is applicable in your poem). Double quotes around any dialogue that is being used.

Only submit your final, best version of the poem; do not send multiple versions of the same piece. Up to three poems will be considered from each author. Include your legal name (and pseudonym if applicable and be clear which one is which), mailing address, and up to 250 word bio. You will be notified as to the status of your poem by no later than November 1, 2016.

This is a charity anthology. Contributors will receive ebook copies of the publication. Additional compensation is likely to come in karma and tax-write offs. Hope for Paws will benefit from all proceeds. Hope for Paws is a non-profit animal rescue organisation. They rescue dogs (and other animals) who are suffering on the streets and in shelters. Their goal is to educate people on the importance of companion animals in our society. Find out more at hopeforpaws.org

Read more...

A Serious Poem

Thursday, 8 September 2016



I had the incredible good fortune of winning Heat 8 of Word War Three on Tuesday.  This means I now have a place in the final on December 6.  I was probably one of the most amazed people in the room when the results were announced because the calibre of poetry on the stage that evening was incredible.

The picture on the right is me collecting my prize from the incredible Kieran King.

I don't have words to say how amazing the whole evening was.  So, instead, I'll simply share a serious poem.


A Serious Poem

Today isn't just the first day of the rest of your life
It's another day closer to your inevitable death

When life gives you lemons
Suck them and cry 
because life is bitter.

Life is like riding a bicycle
You fall off and die.

What doesn't kill you
Only prolongs the inevitable

Life is like a box of chocolates:
Expensive, fattening and ultimately disappointing.

Life is a tragedy for those who feel
A comedy for those who think
And a living hell for those of us who work for a living.

After the game the king and the pawn go into the same box

Only the bishop is shaped like a butt-plug.

Read more...

Coming Together in Verse (2016) - Call for Submissions

Friday, 2 September 2016

So far I've received some incredible pieces of poetry.  I'm really looking forward to getting this anthology compiled because it's going to contain some incredible work from some incredible artists.

If you've not had a chance to submit yet, please see the call for submissions below.  If you have submitted and you're still waiting for my response, please be patient - I'm getting there.


CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS

Coming Together in Verse 2016  will be a collection of erotic poetry and risqué verse edited by Ashley R Lister. Sales proceeds benefit Hope for Paws.

Erica Jong said, “Poetry is what we turn to in the most emotional moments of our lives – when a beloved friend dies, when a baby is born, when we fall in love.” Wallace Stevens said, “A poet looks at the world the way a man looks at a woman.” Edgar Allan Poe said, “Poetry is the rhythmical creation of beauty in words.” Most of us agree, when it comes to expressing passion, there is nothing more effective than poetry.

Whether it’s blank or free verse, or a rigid rhyming metrical form, well-written poetry can touch us in places deeper and more personally than any fiction. There's nothing sexier than a poem that speaks to us on such an intimate level.

Author, lecturer and occasional performance poet, Ashley R Lister, is looking for your best pieces of original poetry, erotic verse, risqué rhymes, cheeky cinquains or saucy sonnets. The collection will contain a broad range of quality erotic poetry submissions, from the rude, ribald and vulgar through to the suggestive, sensuous and sensitive.

Standard Rules apply: No underage, no non-consensual, no scat, incest, or necrophilia. Any pairings or groupings accepted and encouraged.

Deadline for submissions is October 1, 2016.

Send poems double-spaced, 12 point font (Times New Roman or Georgia) in .doc or .rtf format to me@ashleylister.co.uk, with “ATTN: Coming Together, your pen-name, your story title” in the subject line. British English grammar please (where grammar is applicable in your poem). Double quotes around any dialogue that is being used.

Only submit your final, best version of the poem; do not send multiple versions of the same piece. Up to three poems will be considered from each author. Include your legal name (and pseudonym if applicable and be clear which one is which), mailing address, and up to 250 word bio. You will be notified as to the status of your poem by no later than November 1, 2016.

This is a charity anthology. Contributors will receive ebook copies of the publication. Additional compensation is likely to come in karma and tax-write offs. Hope for Paws will benefit from all proceeds. Hope for Paws is a non-profit animal rescue organisation. They rescue dogs (and other animals) who are suffering on the streets and in shelters. Their goal is to educate people on the importance of companion animals in our society. Find out more at hopeforpaws.org

Read more...

The She-Hulk

Thursday, 11 August 2016

It's been a while since I've shared a poem on here. Since I'm going to be participating in September's Word War 3MT event (heat eight) at Affleck's in Manchester, I figured it was time to remember my poetry roots.  

This is a poem I haven't yet had a chance to try out on an audience.   I dedicate it to the woman I love. 

The She-Hulk
by Ashley Lister

"Don't make me angry," she said.
"You wouldn't like me when I'm angry," she said.
"I'm like the Incredible Hulk."

"You're like the Hulk?" I repeated. "Because you're bursting out of your clothes?"

She said, "No."

"You're like the Hulk?" I tried again. "Because you're green in places."

She said, "No."

"You're like the Hulk?" I tried, "Because you're so much bigger than normal size."

She said nothing.

"You're like the Hulk?" I asked, "Because you're inarticulate? Monosyllabic?"

She didn't say anything.
She just hit me.
Really bloody hard.

Just like the Incredible Hulk would have done.

Read more...

Raven Reviews

Friday, 5 August 2016

As I mentioned at the start of this week, Raven and Skull has been long-listed for the Guardian’s Not the Booker prize.  Obviously I’m thrilled, and obviously it would be wonderful to be shortlisted.  But I’ve been blown away by the kind words that people are sharing about the book.

Below is a short sample of them:

“A well-crafted, enticing and enthralling tale that immediately brings the reader into a world of horror and suspense in a classic style of imagery, intrigue and mystery. It poses questions as you are drawn further into the lives of the tormented characters. There are many descriptive lines that I love including 'Tony could hear every syllable struggling to make its way through layers of yellowing phlegm and tar-blackened bronchioles as Moira gasped his name in her gravel-strewn death rattle.' Pure genius. Read it”

“A really fun horror novel where the employees of Raven and Skull are sharing horror stories. I’ve worked in an office and I know how scary those places can be! The author of this book seems to know that too because it’s absolutely brilliant stuff. The pacing is strong. The characters are realistic. The whole story manages to combine horror and humour into a thoroughly enjoyable title that I couldn’t put down.”

“A fabulous series of short stories masterfully woven together to form one tale. Each character is an employee of Raven and Skull who meet at the end of a dreadful week in a pub. The macabre source for each story, the strange place they work. I couldn't put it down and read it in one sleepless night...5*”

“A wonderful book of short stories that link with the common theme of all being told be employees of Raven and Skull. It's like one of those anthology horror films from the 60s where each tells their own story of terror. Brilliant stuff. The writing style is punchy and keeps you reading with well paced scene and character building. The twisted ideas are woven with dark humour to produce something that, I for one, thoroughly enjoyed.”

Thank you to everyone for your kind words.  

And, if you’ve read Raven and Skull, and fancy offering your support for my nomination, the link is here.  And, if you’ve not yet read Raven and Skull, why not treat yourself to a copy today? 



Read more...

Not the Booker Prize

Wednesday, 3 August 2016


Yesterday I discovered that Raven and Skull has made it to the longlist for the Guardian’s ‘Not the Booker prize.’


To say I’m thrilled is an understatement and I’d like to thank the people who nominated me.

And now, I’d like to beg for votes for anyone who’s read Raven and Skull and enjoyed it. 

Obviously there’s a lot of competition on the longlist.  I recognize some of the names professionally and I recognize some of them personally.  It’s a wonderful honour to be included on a list that features so many esteemed names.  I mention this in case you’re reading through the longlist and thinking of casting your vote for one of the other 100+ authors who are mentioned there.

However, if Raven and Skull is one of those titles you want to vote for (voters are asked to vote for two titles) then I’d be thrilled to know the book meant that much to you. The link is here:


Read more...

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